Course project

Asfalto de fuego (cuento breve).

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Al principio la muchedumbre no supo qué hacer. Unos querían quemarlo, otros deseaban golpearle por un rato, y sólo pocos anhelaron conocer la verdad antes de actuar.

Mientras las cavilaciones ocurrían, el hombre seguía golpeando sin piedad a la mujer. Unos perros callejeros ladraban en derredor suyo.

La sangre de la mujer estalló en un último puñetazo y entonces los moradores del Barrio de las Letras, por fin, actuaron. «Déjenme ¡Maldita sea! Hoy mato a esta puta», gritó el hombre, lo que produjo que hasta los vecinos más prudentes inundaran su hígado con odio.

Lo golpearon con asco, sin descanso, por turnos. El vecino Roque, que trabajaba como reportero en un diario local, succionó gasolina del tanque de una furgoneta mientras su mujer empezaba a filmar el auto de fe con mucho cuidado de no enfocar la cara de su marido, que irónicamente la había golpeado la noche anterior.

El calor provocaba alucinaciones en la atmósfera. Los perros huyeron aterrados por la fuerza de los bufidos.

Cuando la policía llegó, sólo quedaba una silueta oleaginosa estampada sobre un asfalto menos oscuro. La indagación no tuvo éxito, pues varios testigos afirmaron que la mujer, tan pronto como la candela se prendió, se esfumó con una sonrisa macabra, perdiéndose entre la multitud de rostros extasiados.

Poco después, las televisoras repicarían la historia de aquel desgraciado padre, que luego de varias semanas repletas de agonía, consiguió atrapar a la proxeneta de Josefine, su hija, a quien violan todas las madrugadas en un lóbrego callejón de Rumania.

Asfalto de fuego (cuento breve). 4
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3 comments

  • 1984a1985a1986

    12.06.2021 at 17:22
    Eduardo Chavez Collantes

    The story begins well but the knot, that is, in the middle of the story and the end, is a bit confusing and disorienting. You have to read it more than once to understand it better. Although the idea is good, it needs to be better narrated. Please correct it. You promise as a writer Jorge Santtori.

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  • plumandina.ejecutiva

    12.06.2021 at 18:08
    Jorge Santtori

    @1984a1985a1986 have to read it calmly, but thank you. I would like to read something of yours.

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  • albertochimal

    Teacher Plus
    06.02.2022 at 08:47
    Alberto Chimal

    Hello Jorge. Thank you very much for entering the course and congratulations on completing it. I hope that what we saw has served you and continues to serve you.
    I just read "Asphalt of fire" and I'm going to leave you some comments. As I always say in these cases, even if some of the comments are not positive or do not focus on what interests you most in your own text, please do not take them the wrong way. Consider that they are done with the intention of helping you continue to improve your work, and that in any case they are optional. You decide what you find useful, and what is not, of how much is recommended to you.


    • What interested me the most about your story is the fact that it raises a situation that unfortunately has become commonplace
      • (a lynching) by posing it in an equivocal way. By this I mean that the man, it is revealed, is seeking to harm the woman because he wants to do justice, even if it is by his own hand. People around her think she is beating her partner, but she is not, and on top of that there is the ironic detail that a woman who is beaten by her own husband records the death on video. The conclusion is cruel and leaves no comforting handhold.
    • That said, it seems to me that there are parts of the text that need to be revised. For example, at the very beginning of the text, the title seems opaque to me, because it doesn't really say anything about what is being told, beyond linking
      • (I suppose) with the "oil-bearing silhouette" which is, I suppose, the corpse of the burned man. And just below, the phrase "only few longed to know the truth before acting" too emphatically advances the revelation of the end. As it stands, the narrative is too short to easily sustain a series of "clues" or previews of the final surprise, sometimes referred to as "predestination intrigues." I think it's better if the reveal is really unexpected.
    • Something you also need to check is a certain number of turns and phrases that sound forced. Perhaps individually they are more interesting or attractive than when placed in the context of the story. An example: "The heat caused hallucinations in the atmosphere." Is it literally true? Or does it refer to the distortion of the hot air, or to another phenomenon?

    In case you don't know them, in the list that follows I leave you links to three stories in which there are different types of brutal events, told in different styles and with different intentions. Perhaps they can serve as examples to review your text or write similar ones later.

    Once again I thank you and wish you luck and success in your future projects.

    @plumandina_ejecutiva

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