Surrender

Surrender

It was my senior year of high school and I decided to take AP Art and Design. It was 2020 and by then the pandemic was in full swing. I knew I would be growing a lot as an artist and building a portfolio. What I did not know, was that I was starting one of the most personal art projects I have yet to undertake and that it would not reach it's cathartic conclusion until 4 years later in 2024...

Exploring the intersection of memory and sense of self this project consists of several individual pieces bound together through fire and rebirth.

-watercolor paper
-watercolors
-photos (printed on paper)
-diary entries (typed and printed)
-vegetable oil
-ashes
-sugar
-water
-mod-podge

For this series of artworks I knew I wanted to play with the temporary nature of our existence: both our memories and who we are/how we see ourselves. It was also important to me that although each piece would be temporary, that is somehow continued into the next. I decided to see what I could do with fire and ashes and eventually developed a process:

1.) create a painting/drawing
2.) burn this painting
3.) collect the ashes
4.) combine ashes with powdered sugar, water, and just a dash of honey
5.) pour this mixture into a lid or tin and cook or allow to air dry
6.) use this "paint" to create the next painting
7.) return to step 1

This paint took a bit of practice to get used to and each batch was slightly different. I took time to experiment with light and shade as well as how it interacted with other materials before starting the final project.

So where did I start? Well, I started with my parents: it was their love that formed me and quite literally brought me into existence and so that is where we begin...

I did some preliminary sketches and experiments with the watercolors before diving into the final piece

Once I had burned the painting of my parent's wedding day(which felt a bit morbid, I'll admit) It was time to use the ashes for my first self-portrait using a reference photo (one of the earliest photos we have of me)

Using the ashes from piece 2 as well as watercolors and ink, I crafted an image of bubbles being blown- each one holding a specific memory

These two pieces linked together to form one (as seen in the last image)

Who I was became memories and those memories became who I was...
Simple. Free. Smiling.

burning pieces 3 and 4, I used their ashes to paint this piece

Age 5 was a trying time in my life for many reasons and a big one was being sent to school... Some kids didn't mind it, some were even excited, but me? I was terrified and heartbroken- as though all of who I was was being sent away to some foreign land the moment I stepped on that school bus.

I started by printing out passages of childhood books I was read and forming a collage for the background.
Next I found pictures of me (depicting various emotions) to add to it.
Finally I painted the school bus and added some finishing touches

And of course then, I burned it, and it was time for the next piece...

The ashes from the last piece were used to paint this next self-portrait, this one based on my school picture.

Of course, this was also burned for the next piece...

Following the [memories > portrait > memories > portrait] pattern, this next peice was meant to capture the memories and experience of middle school.

the background bubbles are sketched with ink and the ashes from the last piece while the front bubbles are in color and feature (somewhat embarrassing) selfies which I then painted over with watercolors and ashes.

Who was I in middle school? Well, I tended to ask Instagram, so I'll let it tell you...

Using the ashes from the previous piece, I painted another self portrait based on an instagram post.

High school was the time I started to define myself and it was confusing to say the least. There were great positives and also deep negatives and I was starting to find myself in the people around me.

Using passages from journal entries I formed a background of words that contrasted each other and formed the image of my face using various images of people I encountered as well as the ashes from the last piece.

Similar to instagram, my self-worth and image was all too often dictated by snapchat and all the in contained. And so, with the ashes of Piece 10, I painted this self portrait based on a snapchat photo with a filter.

This piece took the longest and was the closest to home because I was working with memories that had only happened the few months before starting this project.

The background is comprised of various photos I painted over with watercolor, ashes from piece 11, and ink.

Running across the center is a 3D "scar" comprised of dozens of layers of printer paper containing the entirety of a journal I kept the first summer of COVID. The paper was dipped in oil and dried to give a translucent effect, allowing multiple layers to be seen at the same time.

Stamped across the center and over everything is the word "COVID" in bright red paint.

This was again burned and it would be the last burning for two years...

It was time for the final piece (I thought)- one more self portrait, this time in real time.

Looking in a mirror I spent several hours painting an image of myself using the ashes from piece 12. It was the first time I had tried drawing from a mirror and it was DIFFICULT. Needless to say, it did not turn out how I would have liked and I was feeling a bit discouraged that this would be the final piece after spending so long on the series...

Seeing it now, it actually wasn't too bad- pretty good actually, considering all the circumstances, but still- I wasn't satisfied...

Thankfully, my art teacher took a picture of me painting myself and I used that as a reference for my "final" piece to be submitted for my portfolio.

I used the ashes from piece 12 still (Piece 13 was not burned yet, but simply kept hidden)

Those last two self portraits kicked around for over two years. They followed me to college and back again. Twice. Eventually, I knew it was time to burn the first one, but I didn't do anything with the ashes- they just sat there, waiting to be used.

The second portrait sat too- waiting to be burned. But I wasn't ready. I can not explain in this post what exactly happened (I am working on a graphic novel about it- which I will be sharing the progress of here) but in the course of a single morning, after clinging to the painting (and all it stood for) for so long, I knew without a doubt that it was time for it to burn. Not for paint. Not for ashes. Not to be continued. But to say "it is finished" "I am no longer afraid" and "I surrender".

And so it burned, with the words "into your hands, I commend my spirit" tapped to the back and the rest of the verse ("it is you who will redeem me Lord") tapped to my wall. And just like that, it was over.